Thursday, June 30, 2011

in other, semi-tangentially related, news

I bought a serger that arrived on Tuesday and I have been playing with it.  (A serger, for those of you scoring at home, is a kind of sewing machine.  If you take a look at a seam in an item of clothing, and the thread goes right to the edge of the fabric and it's all loopy and stuff, that was serged.  A regular sewing machine would just produce a single line of thread.)    They're very good for sewing stretchy fabric, and since I am on a LET'S MAKE BOOTY SHORTS kick, I figured it would be useful.

So I made another pair, this time with a blue sparkly fabric, but since I've been using white thread in the serger to see how it looks, there's all these white lines that show when the fabric stretches.  So those are a no-go.  Oh well.

I also hope to try to make some helmet covers.  I found a pattern online but when I got it printed out at Staples (it needed to be on 11 x 17 paper), it wasn't quite to scale (the 4" test square was only 3 3/4" square) and I didn't have the math skills right then to figure out how much more to blow it up.  One of the other women on the league who's made covers before is going to send me the pattern she used.

There is a dearth of fabric stores in the area, unfortunately.  We have a few Jo-Anns and one or two independent stores, but nothing fantastic.  I found myself drooling over yesterday.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


So did I get a set of Radar Diamond wheels? Yes, but NONE of the vendors had the ones I really wanted, white (94a) ones (they were on backorder), so I got red (92a) ones. 

Did I get to Sonic at least once? I went twice - once on the way down and once on the way back.  There was one about three miles from our hotel but I didn't go to that one.

Did I watch so much derby my brain exploded?  Almost.  There was so much amazing derby to watch.  Gotham? Holy fuck.  Bonnie Thunders and Suzy Hotrod are, like, my new role models.  They could sprint up to the pack and STOP ON A FUCKING DIME.  It was amazing.  There was men's derby with cute boys, and the no minors games were very interesting.

Did I spend a lot of time at the pool?  Yup.  Our league is okay at synchronized swimming but we RULE at beach ball volleyball.

Did I lose my engagement ring at the pool and have it found by a chick from the league we're playing on July 9?  Um...yes.

Did I have a great time? OMGWTF yes.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


tonight was our first scrimmage as a new team. We were skating against the A team and we did pretty goddamn fucking well, if I do say so myself. 


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

travel team practice

so the first practice of our new team was last night.  It's going to take some time to get used to new teammates who didn't employ the same strategies our home team did.  Our home team was very LIVE AND DIE BY THE PARTNERSHIP THE PARTNERSHIP IS PARAMOUNT KNOW WHERE YOUR PARTNER IS AT ALL TIMES AND GET WITH HER NOW.  I tried doing that last night and was like "HEY!  PARTNER!  I'M OVER HERE!"

I also need to remember that there were two other teams, and their viewpoints are just as valid as ours.  My fellow home team members and I would listen to suggestions on why things would happen, what to do when other things happen, and we'd be like "Yeah, but this is how WE did it...."  I need to rein back on that a little.  And by a little, I probably mean a lot.

(But we were 5-0 for the season....)

I also had to clean my wheels halfway during practice because they got so much crap on them I was bump-bump-bumping again.  Grrr...

Discovered last night that the route I'm going to be taking to ECDX (I'm driving one of the car pools) will take us right past a Sonic right around lunchtime.  WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN

Friday, June 17, 2011


so a week from today, a bunch of us are going to the East Coast Derby Extravaganza

My mission for that weekend is three-fold:

1. To get a set of Radar Diamond wheels;
2. To get to Sonic at least once;
3. To watch so much derby my brain explodes.

The bouts I'm most interested in seeing are our travel team's bout (Sunday at, like, 5pm or something) and the "no minor penalty" test bouts.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

dirty dirty girls love Benedict Cumberbatch

(today's title comes from this, which I just discovered last night and it's been going through my head non-stop since then*)

Monday was our final team practice; we met at a bar and did the official Lacing of the Trophy (our trophy involves a pair of roller skates; the winning team will lace them with laces in their team color) and individual pictures.  We'll each get the trophy for two weeks; mine isn't until the end of November, oh well.

We decided we're going to get "LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2011" printed on the sleeve of our jackets, so I had to collect them all again and take them to the printer.

I'm going to miss playing with my team very much.  We really gelled into a force to be reckoned with.  Captainness Awesome was the best captain you could ever hope for - she was supportive, she encouraged us to work harder, she kept a smile on our faces.  I'll miss having her on my team.

But, onward and upward to bigger and better things!


We've set up a database to nominate captains for the B travel team.  Next to each person's name, they accept or decline the invite.

I looked yesterday and I'd been nominated.

I had to delete the text of my initial declination, which was "OMFG SWEET ZOMBIE JEEBUS IN HEAVEN NO".  (I eventually put "I'm honored, but I must decline.")

Seriously, this year has been a bazillion trillion quadrillion pentillion (?) sextillion (??) septillion (now I'm just guessing) fuckload (that's better) better/easier/more fun for me than last year (and not just because I haven't had any family members die**).  I could concentrate on playing, and the game, and having fun, rather than "okay, what disaster is going to happen now/what do I need to keep an eye on now/who's going to come up to me and request-a-check-hand-me-a-stack-of-cash-for-ticket-sales-and-not-label-it-or-maybe-it's-dues-money-I'm-not-sure.  I've had people come up to me and say "you seem MUCH more relaxed this season."  Gee, I wonder why?

All I have to do is file the league's 2010 tax return, and I have until August 15 to do that.  It's just a matter of dropping numbers into a form and printing it, but as I am a procrastinator by nature, I will wait a while to do it.


So when we all met on Monday, some of the A team skaters were talking with the coach about exercise log sheets.  I happened to steal a glance at a prototype; it had things like "caloric intake" and how many exercises you did with various parts of your body.

I distinctly remember thinking "thank GOD we don't have to do that."

(You know what's going to happen, right?)

There's talk on our B team message board about doing the same thing.

Here's what mine would look like:

WHAT I ATE: Coffee, half a loaf of bread, some water, half a box of Annie's Organic Cheesy Bunny Cracker Things***, whatever Roy made for dinner, the other half box of Annie's Organic Cheesy Bunny Cracker Things.

WHAT I DID FOR EXERCISE: Thought about doing some situps.

**knock on wood

***not its real name

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the final score...

....was 96 to 73.  Yay us!

Monday, June 13, 2011

the lowdown

We knew going into the last bout we would be skating short.  Our best blocker, our brick-wall blocker, Former Fearless Leader and our phenomenon jammer (it's her first season and she made the A team) were all going to be either out of town, at weddings, or wouldn't make attendance.

Normally, you have fourteen players on a roster.

We would have eleven.

I didn't know what would happen, at that bout.  I didn't like thinking about it.  How could we go through the whole season, undefeated, and lose the championship?  We could say "our season overall was better", but who pays attention to that?  It's the team whose name is engraved upon that sweet, sweet trophy.

And skating short, without our best players, the fact that I am a pessimist by nature...

Normally the way our lineups ran with a full roster, we'd do five lineups, everyone in two, with a three or four jammer rotation.

This time, we had a three jammer rotation with two lineups, everyone in one.

In lineup #1, the pivot, the leader, the one who's responsible for knowing what's going on and communicating to her packmates, is Coach Superstar - who's been playing derby since 2004, who founded a WFTDA league and was an original member of another WFTDA league, who three years ago was considered "one of the most experienced players" in that second WFTDA league.

In lineup #2, I'm the pivot.

Yeah, no pressure there.

The other members of my lineup and I decide we will call ourselves the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  I'm Conquest and/or Pestilence.

Our team jackets finally get done Friday evening.  I pass them out at our team bonding session and they are awesome.  We eat, we talk about organ donation and brain donation, we strategerize. 

So Saturday arrives.  Maverick does pretty well at his baseball game, getting a hit, an RBI and making a few sweet plays at second base.  I have Chipotle for lunch.

It is eleventy billion trillion degrees in the venue, even before we skate.  Fortunately I brought the league spray bottles that have been sitting in my garage for the last ten months.

The first bout is our home team that's not in the championship bout playing a compilation away team.  They win, by one point.  It is an awesome bout and we are screamingly happy for them.  But now, it's our turn.

One of our skaters who was questionable will be able to skate in a sub position, if one of us needs a break. But still.

I look at the row of fourteen chairs. At most, we will only need six.

I take the pivot helmet cover and put it on.  It won't be leaving my head all night.

I still have no idea how we're going to do.

And.....we're off!

Strategy, strategy, strategy!  Partnership, partnership, partnership!   One of their jammers gets a major, she's in the box, slow down!  She comes back in, but does it in front of the pack, back into the penalty box she goes!  Holy crap, they're ahead now!  Gaaaaah!  I am not tired at all, though.  Dance on the line, say hey to the chick from the other team who always seems to be out there with me.  Is it halftime? It's halftime.  We're leading, but not by much.

Shortened half-time because it's a doubleheader.  Smile, smile, smile.  It's still anyone's game.  Don't get panicked, play it cool, play it fun.  And we're back out there!

We're winning. We're winning!  I get a few good hits on the various jammers.  I go to hit one, but my timing is a little off and I bobble her but don't knock her down.  When I get back to the bench, our bench manager (Anton Apolo OhHELLno) asks if my leg is okay, because it looked like she skated over it.  I have no idea that that happened.

Five minutes or so left, we decide to run the clock down a little.   One of the players on the other team notices, says, "Oh, so THAT'S how you want to win?" and hits me as hard as she can. (While I'd like to say that I didn't budge, I went sprawling.)

Last jam.  We're leading by, like, eighteen points.  Easily obtained by a killer jam.  Captainness Awesome is our jammer.  She gets through but is not lead.  Our pack holds, and holds, and holds the other jammer.  The period clock runs out.  I start to think "Holy shit, we're actually going to WIN THIS GAME!" They hold, and hold.  With about thirty seconds left on the jam clock, she gets through and is called lead jammer.  She looks at the scoreboard and wearily calls off the jam.

we are a happy crew

So then, after the bout, I realize three things:

1. I did not get any penalties at all (a first);
2. That kneepad that has been giving me nothing but trouble? (I also neglected to mention that when the guy repaired them, he had to cut a slit in the back of the kneepad, which unraveled and the padding in the top started to come out):

methinks I won't be wearing this ever again
3. My shin is starting to hurt from where someone may or may not have skated over it. (Eventually I would end up with a bruise about the size of my pinky.)

At the afterparty, we were all talking, and Captainness Awesome and Coach Superstar mentioned that after practice on Monday, they were riding home coming to terms with the fact that we would probably not win.  But then they were like "Well, Queenie thinks we can win (because I was saying things like "not 'if' we win, but 'WHEN' we win!"), so maybe we have a chance!"

"I was bluffing!" I said.

'Twas amusing.

So yeah, sweet, delicious victory-flavored victory.  Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

in other news....

Happy birthday to my son, Maverick, the inspiration behind my number!

(06/09/01 = 691, for those of you scoring at home)

So I made a second pair of booty shorts, but they were light iridescent rainbow silver sparkly.  I realized too late that I do not necessarily want to draw THAT much attention to the area between my waist and my thighs.  So I will see if someone else on the league wants 'em.  I'm working on a black shiny-ish-matte-ish pair now.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


So the place I ordered my skate wheels from neglected to tell me they are on BACK ORDER until next week.

I ended up just canceling the order; I'll get them when I go to ECE. (YAY!)

Besides watching our A team compete in the challenge bout there, I'm most looking forward to seeing the "no minor penalty" scrimmages.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I don't want to go much into strategery because I don't know if anyone on the other team reads this blog (probably not, but better safe than sorry).  So I tread carefully.

In happy news, I broke through my complete inability to communicate on the track last night.  I was a fountain of chatter and updating.

So I cleaned my wheels last night, before practice.  Ended up using two baby wipes PER WHEEL. It was a mess.  And THEN, after less than an hour of practice, they were completely gunked up again.  It was ridiculous.  We need to get our own practice space.

Monday, June 6, 2011

and once again, it's BOUT WEEK WAHOO

more death paces yesterday.  Whee?  By the time we were done with our off-skates conditioning, we had like 45 minutes left of practice time and we were all kinda like "do we *hafta* skate?" But we did.  Nothing too heavy, though.

My wheels are so covered with gunk and crap it's awful.  I was going BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP the entire time.  It reminds me of one of our early, early practice spaces, where there were rats skulking around and you would pry quarter-inch thick chunks of stuff off your wheels after practice. I want my Diamonds now!  I'm a little worried, though, as I placed the order back on the 29th and haven't heard any sort of update.  I sent an e-mail on Friday but haven't heard back.  WHERE'S MY NEW SKATE WHEELS?  WHERE'S MY NEW SKATE WHEELS?

Captainness Awesome posted a message in anticipation of Saturday's bout, on things we need to work on.  For me, it was "Staying in bounds, not getting hit inside, dominating pack through commands", all of which are very true (I was getting hit to the inside like crazy on Thursday.  Probably because that's where I tend to stick.)  As for dominating the pack through commands, yeah.  I need to communicate more.  If Imma gonna be pivot, I gotta tell people what to do.  I *know* what to do (which is why I think they've been grooming me for pivot), I just need to open my mouth and SAY IT.


Friday, June 3, 2011

my little moment of awesome

so last night was scrimmage night, and I did my usual - didn't talk enough as pivot, got a few good hits, stayed with my partner.

On what ended up being the last jam of the night, I got sent to the box on an elbows penalty.  About thirty seconds later, our jammer joined me.  Naturally, the rest of our pack immediately sped up.  We happened to have very fast skaters out there, something I pointed out to our jammer.

Then I remembered - hey, when my penalty's over, I have to go out there and skate that fast!

Which led to the following conversation:

PENALTY BOX GUY:  691, you may stand.
ME: Do I have to?

So eventually I was sprung.  The pack happened to be our three fast skaters and one fast, hard hitter from the other team.  I got in behind her and immediately she was on me.  I saw her get ready for a hit.

If she hits me, I'm dead.  If she hits me, I'm dead.

She went to hit me to the inside.

I took a micro-step back, juked to the outside, sailed past her and caught up with my teammates.

It was the most awesome feeling I've had in a while.

After scrimmage was over, one of my teammates came up to me and said "when you got past [the other skater], I wanted to run out to the track and give you a hug.  That was AWESOME!"

So, yay me.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

where's my new skate wheels?!

(said to the cadence of "where's my spy camera?" for those've you who are old and watched the Simpsons back in the first season)

On Sunday I ordered some Radar Diamond wheels.  YAY!  I want them NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.  (Unless the truck they're in blows up or something, I should have them by the championship bout.)

CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT WAHOO!  I really hope we win.  It would cap off our UNDEFEATED SEASON FUCK YEAH.

I took a look at our B-team travel season, and so far both our away bouts are in Canada.  Sweet!  I like going to Canada.  Hell, I just love away bouts.  Especially when the after party is walking distance from the hotel.  And when there's $1 jello shots.  Heeheehee.


My Adventures in Sudden Weight Loss have tapered off; I'm down about 8-9 pounds from where I usually am.  Best I can figure is that it's all the weight I *should've* been losing from all the years of derby I have been doing.  I AM NOT COMPLAINING.