Tuesday, December 27, 2011


My boss was EXTREMELY generous in my Christmas bonus, so now I can buy super mega awesome hella rad skates wahoo

Monday, December 19, 2011

it's christmastime or something

last night we had a "Meet the Fresh Meat" Disco Dance Party, with DJing courtesy of yours truly.  I think it went okay.

Tomorrow night any of the freshies who didn't pass their assessments last week are getting a second shot (there were five or six total) and then we're off until, like, the second week of January or something.  Once again, I should probably pay attention to stuff like that.

Monday, December 12, 2011

what's new? not much

let's see.  Saturday night was our end of the year party and the awards committee did a cool thing where they took all the jams this year where our jammer scored 15+ points, and gave a special sticker award to each of the blockers in those jams.  So now I have 5 special sticker awards, yay!

The party was circus-themed.  I wrapped myself in pink tulle and went as overpriced circus cotton candy.  'Twas fun.

Since my husband bought himself a hefty piece of audio equipment not too long ago, I decided that my Christmas present will be NEW SKATES FOR ME WAHOOO and I'm going to go to Five Stride Skate Shop in January to get them custom-made.  I'm muchly excited and need to figure out what I want to get.  I like the boots I've had for the last 3+ years (Riedell 265) but they stretched out quite a bit.  I am also trying to decide if I want to get 45 degree kingpin plates or not.  DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

Friday, December 2, 2011


The toilet seat in the Ladies' Room is freezing DERBY STANCE FTW!

I've kind of been musing on what my 25 in 5 time would be, as I haven't officially done it in a while.  I guestimated (with my 10 lap time and my 10 minute time from last May) I'd be somewhere between 4:10 and 4:27. Hopefully closer to the fast end.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Tuesday, so I *do* have practice. BIZARRO

I really think I might need to beg off one of these Quarry practices.  IT'S JUST LIKE THE REGULAR SEASON TIMEWISE.

I am writing my Ticket Queen proposal (did I mention I'm Ticket Queen for the season, and in charge of ticket sales and all that? yeah.  I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO) and am getting goofy.  These are some of the phrases and words I've used:

"It's all very haphazard and higgledy-piggeldy"
"I love, love, love, love, love, love this idea. (Did I mention I love it?)"

Monday, November 28, 2011

it's monday and I don't have practice? BIZARRO

still in the off season, though I've been skating Sundays and Tuesdays with our new and returning unrostered skaters, which we call the Quarry (Roc Quarry, get it?)  It's a lot of fun.  We had one drill that concentrates on track awareness and agility and getting around obstacles - skate in a pack, and everyone in the pack (except one person) falls randomly, or skates the wrong way, what have you - and it's the responsibility of the one skater to get out of their way.  Reaction time and all that.  I was in that drill as the hitter, and I was going at about 60% of my full force, and they were going OMG YOU HIT SO HARD!


I've discovered that I'm a terrible teacher, though.  They ask me how to do crossovers and plow stops and I'm like "um....honestly, I just do them."  It's hard for me to break it down into steps.  But I try my best.

before and after

February 5, 2011
November 5, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

so, it's all over but the fresh meat training

My Facebook status from early Sunday morning:

"Sorry, but spending 23987 hours in a little box going 'OKAY, THAT'LL BE 12 DOLLARS, 8 DOLLARS IS YOUR CHANGE AND CAN YOU PUT YOUR HAND IN THE GOM JABBAR SO WE CAN STAMP IT' can make one tired. That and I couldn't find a parking space near [after party]. So I just went home. [skater], I have your cooler. Other people, I may or may not have your stuff."

(Okay, "23987 hours" was really more like "4 hours".  But still.  It was non-stop people.  We ran out of $1 bills, we ran out of $5 bills.  No one came to relieve me or the other chick working.  It was annoying, but our attendance was over 2000, so I can't complain too much.)

The bouts, from what I understand, were freak-out worthy.  Our team's bout came down to the last jam, and when it was over, the scoreboard read 120-119, or something like that, other team winning.  They started celebrating, the announcers congratulated them, but then it turned out there'd been a mistake somewhere, and the score was actually 119-119.  So then there was a sudden death overtime, which we won, 127-126, or something like that.  The other team and their fans were pissed, which I can really understand.  I talked to one of the referees afterwards and he was still trying to recover from it.

The second game, the A team won, something like 140-117.  From what I could see, the other team immediately left the track after the game (didn't bother with a lap of the track or anything), so I have no idea what went on there.

So then we had to clean up after 2000+ people (there were eleventy billion bottles and cans to recycle) and by the time I left, like I said above, I was tired and couldn't find a parking space and I went home.

Sunday morning there was Fresh Meat training, which went fine.  There were a few veterans who need to do their travel team assessment tomorrow, so I timed one of them on her ten minute endurance (we had to use the outside of the track, as the freshies were doing their 25 in 5).  I skated about 10 feet behind her the whole time, and at the end she collapsed into a heap and I was more "oh, did I just skate?  Okay."

I want to redo my assessment tomorrow, just for my own information, 'cause, like I said before, when I did it back in May I was about 20 pounds heavier and had crappy wheels and a crappy floor surface. We'll see if they let me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

oh, so it's been a while

I wasn't rostered for the season finale.  It's only fair, I suppose, I've been rostered for every single other bout this season, but it's still annoying/frustrating.  I had a bunch of people who bought tickets to see me play and I had to be all "um, sorry, guys!  maybe next season?"  Fortunately, they understood.

Anyway, after the 19th we're on break until the first of the year.  I'll still be helping out with the Fresh Meat on Sundays, and starting in December we'll have Thursday night pick-up scrimmages (don't know if I'll be able to attend those, since I feel I've already asked my Dad a lot having him watch Maverick the last few months), so really things won't change that much.

I've picked up a position of authority for next season - I'll be in charge of tickets.  I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.  But it's only for five bouts* SO IT'S OKAY.  They really needed someone to do it and I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SAY "NO", so it's my own fault.

So, the derby year is winding down.  I have to say it was much, much, much better than last season, and not just because I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FAMILY MEMBERS DIE ON ME.  I got a break from the behind-the-scenes administrative stuff of the league, I got some confidence boosts, I lost 25 pounds, I learned a lot, I got closer to a lot of skaters on the league, I had fun.

So it's all good.

Now that we're WFTDA, we need to adjust our schedule so that our A team plays in the first half of the year, so as to get rankings.  So we're running a "patch" season from January - June that's travel teams again, and the home teams will run from September - December.  Or something like that.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

okay! so!

We had a bout this past weekend, in London, Ontario.  I think if one of the people on your team is skating for Team Canada in the World Cup, and you've been skating together as a group for six years, you're not a B-team.

But even though we lost (144-76, I think), we had a great time and learned a LOT (we picked up a whole new strategy to try).

I was really annoyed, though, because the FIRST JAM I was in, I fell and hit my head.  (Someone said that it looked like I also took a skate to the head, but I'm not sure.)  I went in the next jam I was scheduled for, but I was completely useless and my head was killing me and EVERYTHING WAS REALLY REALLY LOUD so I took myself out for the rest of the half and sat in the bathroom and waited for everything to quiet down, which it did.

At practice last night, I discovered the the inside of my helmet had come unglued from the outer shell, so I was like UM OKAY I NEED ANOTHER HELMET, so I ordered one online.  Hopefully it'll come soon.

And then, completely out of nowhere, I got a bloody nose at the end of practice.  I didn't get hit or anything, it was just that the air in our practice space was SO DRY.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


We didn't have practice on Halloween, so we practiced yesterday with the A-team.  At one point during scrimmaging I landed on my chest with my arm flung back, so now my shoulder is killing me.

One drill we did is called Three Corners, which is basically Four Corners without the skater from Turn 3 joining in.  Usually we only have dedicated jammers starting at Turn 4, but this time we all did.

Some highlights from my tenure as jammer:

1. I got a full-on, nothing-held-back hit from someone's shoulder right into my sternum, and I didn't wobble.  I think I heard some "wow"s from people.

2. The two blockers who were supposed to keep me back took each other out, so I was able to get by them easily.  I screamed "STEVEN BRADBURY!" as I went past.

I replaced all the truck hardware on my skates - new pivot cups, bolts, washers, what have you.  I FEEL ALL NEW AND POWERFUL NOW. 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Hrapy Birfday

So yesterday I turned 38.  Whee?  I feel pretty damned good though - I'm probably in the best shape I've been in the last 15-20 years.   We scrimmaged last night and when I went to the penalty box, I asked if I could only spend 30 seconds, as a birthday present.  (As it turned out, it was the last jam of the night, so I only spent 21 seconds or so.)  The penalty box also sang Happy Birthday to me ("Happy Birthday, White 691....")

Earlier in the week, I took apart my skates and cleaned them.  I ordered a whole bunch of hardware parts because they were getting all warped and bent.  When I went to skate last night, I was a mess - I took a really bad fall during tomahawk stops, which *never* happens.  I figured it was because my trucks were loose, so I cranked 'em down, but it kept happening, so I cranked 'em again, but it STILL kept happening, so I stopped and skated slowly around, trying to figure out what was wrong.

The edges of my wheels (Radar Diamonds, which I still love except that it's a bitch to get the bearings out and in) wear down over time, so I rotate them around when I clean them.  The one I put on my left inside back axle was worn down quite a bit.  I realized as I was doing crossovers that I push off on that edge, and when the edge was not there, I stumbled a little bit.  So I put a sharper edged wheel there and was fine.

Our team played awesomely last night - there was one point where three of us were holding their Best Jammer Ever back, and she was *pissed* about it.

Monday, October 24, 2011


Babe Selling Raffle Tickets.


(we just had one!)

Friday evening was the league-sponsored Zombie Walk, which was an insane amount of fun, as usual.  (I really enjoy shambling around and moaning and chugging fake blood.)  The best part of the evening was when I started going towards this one chick in nightclub gear who said "OMG, GET AWAY! YOU ARE SO WEIRD!!!"

Because it was early in the evening this year (8pm, as opposed to the usual 11pm) Maverick also went, as a Conehead Zombie.  He had an absolute BLAST and really wants to do it again next year.

Saturday I had nothing going on.  NOTHING.  NOTHING.  This does not happen.  It was bizarre.

I *knew* I had to go to Sunday morning's practice to make sure I made attendance.  I did not want to go, for two reasons:

1. My usual "exercise is evil and must be destroyed with fire" attitude; and
2. My usual "getting up early in the morning is evil and must be destroyed with fire" attitude.

I ended up wearing my practice clothes to bed on Saturday night, so as to remove that step in the morning.

So yeah, I went. And y'know what?  It was horrible, it was miserable, it sucked - but it wasn't as horrible, as miserable, as sucky as I remember it being.  The starting out jog - I did it without stopping.  The "47 pushups, 47 situps and 47 air squats* at your own pace"?  I did 30 pushups, 47 situps and 47 air squats at my own pace.  The hopping and agility skills?  I did them as best I could.  The skating pacelines and sprint contests - I didn't wuss out.  So yay me?

Sunday evening was more training for the newbies. It's starting to be obvious who's going to make it and who's not.    We had them try their 25 in 5 - some of them made it with lots of time to spare; some are still doing T-stops in the turns to slow themselves down.

I hate doing the 25 in 5.  Even though I know I can do it easily - I did 56 in 10 minutes, for Pete's sake -  it still makes me nervous.  I wish we had a person skating with us, or a moving dot, or something, that was the "25 in 5" pace time, and you just have to keep in front of that person/dot. 

We had some skaters do their travel team assessments (which I did in May).  I'm kind of curious as to how I'd do on stuff like this now, that (a) I've lost almost 20 pounds and (b) I'd be doing it on our normal practice space on my awesome wheels, as opposed to the first time skating on a surface we don't skate on very often.

Tonight's team practice, should be fun. Hopefully I will not bang my head into the ground like I did last time (which I guess I didn't mention.  Yeah, I got stuck in a pileup that ended up with me getting my head knocked twice, and *then* I realized I hadn't been wearing my mouthguard at the time. Bullet = dodged.  I sat out the rest of practice nursing a headache [which is why I'm nervous about attendance]).

It was Coach Anton Apolo OhHELLno's 47th birthday, so everything was done in groups of 47.

Friday, October 21, 2011

si teh Friday

Last night we had a league meeting, wherein we discussed what we felt the league's one real goal for the next season should be.  The general consensus was "exposure in our community".  (Second place went to "getting our own practice space".)

These ideas were suggested by people randomly yelling out ideas, and I noticed that a lot of the suggestions were things like "get into lots of tournaments!" and "get our WFTDA rankings up!" and "more travel to further-away venues!", all of which read to me like "do stuff for the A team and the B team can sit there and cheer us on from the sidelines!"

Which I would really like to avoid.  We're undefeated too (and even more than the A team, as they've lost in tournament play).

Are there any tournaments for B level teams anywhere?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Back to Monday

no drunken mashup dancing, but the reunion was still fun.  some of my friends hope to come to the last bout.

Didn't go to Sunday practice (in other news, fire hot and water wet), but went to Fresh Meat, where they did a modified Sunday practice with jogging and planks and whatnot.  Whee?

Friday, October 14, 2011


Last night we divided up into whites and blacks and scrimmaged.  The only requirements for the night were that everyone had to have fun and everyone had to jam.

It sucked, as per usual.

Tomorrow night is my 20th high school reunion.  It should be pretty fun.  High school was not a pit of vipers for me (that was junior high); I went to an all-female Catholic high school with a graduating class of 76 girls and was voted "most unique" or "most unusual" or something like that.  (I would wear pillbox hats to class.)  There's been talk of doing something afterwards (since it ends at 8pm), all I can think is that it probably will not be like a derby afterparty.

Unless we all end up drunk off our asses, dancing to Girl Talk at 3am. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

oh yes it's scrimmage night and the feeling's right


I've been rostered for the November 5 bout in Canada.  Road trip yay!  My enhanced license showed up about a week ago so I am SET.

Not much else is new in the land of Derby Chalk Drawings.  It's hard to believe that the season will be over in a little over a month.  I forget when next season starts - it's either January or February.  I should probably be more aware of stuff like that.

Fresh Meat is going well - we're past Boot Camp now and we're heading into the actual training.  I'll be in charge of a new group of skaters now; I'm really looking forward to it.  I'd like to start going to Wednesday night Adult Skate at the rink where we practice (since the Fresh Meat only have one practice a week, on Sunday nights, a lot of them also go to this), but Maverick has fencing lessons then and I have to take him to those.  Plus, it'd be *another* night out of the house and I *do* like seeing my husband and kid every once in a while.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

in which I kinda toot my own horn-ish

so Saturday was a bout night.  Our team wasn't officially playing, but we were able to scrimmage a team from Olean in the afternoon.  We won, which was cool.  We were far enough ahead that we decided to try a star pass, and I was pivot, so I got the star and then promptly got my fourth minor and had to sit. :(  But then when I came back in, I got lead jam and I think I got full points before the other jammer made it to the pack again.

Because our team wasn't playing the bout, we all had to sign up for bout production positions.  After picking where I wanted to work, I was asked if I could move to doing the 50/50 raffle, since it was a position that involved handling money and they wanted a league member to do that (and they had a Fresh Meat person available to do the position I'd signed up for).  So, I said "okay, I can do that" and signed up.

I decided that the best way to garner raffle ticket sales was if I went for the Hot Babe Selling Tickets look.  I wore my team t-shirt, my new DerbySkinz*, my cool Target clearance rack fishnets, the one pair of high heels I own.  I shook my hair out and did my best to work it.

The general reaction from my leaguemates was "wow, where did this side of you come from?"  I was told that during the bout, on the bench, I was getting commented on.   I am still waiting to see pictures, so I can see if I actually looked as good as I thought I did.  (I also don't know if the amount of tickets I sold was high, low or average.  I like to think it was high.)

*The very first bout I skated, I wore knee-length sweat-pants material shorts.  I never in a million years thought I'd wear booty shorts, but...here I am!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

um, wow

So for one brief, shining moment when I got up this AM, for the first time in over nine years....

.....my BMI was in the normal range.


Monday, October 3, 2011


Last night was the last day of Boot Camp.  Not much really changes now - the newbies will go through more training and the like for the next umpteen squillion weeks.  I think they do a WFTDA assessment in....mid-December? Maybe? I dunno.  I'm not in charge, I just show up and do what I'm told.

Practice tonight.  We've got a scrimmage set up on Saturday, before the A team's bout, which is kinda cool.  I don't remember the team we're playing, but it should be heapin' handfuls of fun.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Your recap

Friday night, we find a copy of their roster online.  We figure out that seven of their players, half the roster, played against us two weeks ago.  So the roster's stacked.

Saturday morning, we load up the car and head out. It's about a 4 hour drive.  We stop in Syracuse at Black Mamba Skate Shop, I buy some Gumball toestops because my Roll-Lines are completely worn down around the edges.  At a rest stop further down the line we run into a bunch of Assault City skaters - they are on their way to play the Hudson Valley Horrors.

The hotel has a bar ACROSS THE PARKING LOT FROM IT.  This will be important later.

We drop off our stuff and relax for a bit.  I thought the bout started at 6 and planned the carpool accordingly, but it starts at 7 so we have some time.  We do an off-skates workout to get our blood pumping.  Load up the cars and drive to the venue.

Almost three years ago (November '08) I played my very first bout as a member of a pick-up team.  It's the same venue.  It's nice to be back and actually know what I'm doing this time.

We suit up and warm up.  The floor is nice and grippy but filthy - we have to scrub our wheels with baby wipes after our warmup.  The band they have playing is really good - they do a neat alt-rock version of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"

Two lineups; I'm in the first one, playing inside.  I do not like being in the first lineup.  I don't like the pressure.  But I sigh and go out to the pivot line.   Something's wrong with their scoreboard software (I later learn that their usual scorekeeper moved to CA and took the stuff with him) so they have to figure out how to fix the new software.

So we wait.

And wait.

The scoreboard appears on the big screens they have up, then disappears.

We wait some more.

I decide to be goofy and pretend to use Queenly Magic® to get the screen to appear.  I get laughs.  The scoreboard does not appear.

Hey, the scoreboard's up!  Oh, wait, it's showing a half-hour period.  The scoreboard disappears again.

EIGHT MINUTES LATER (someone timed it) the refs finally decide "screw this, we'll time it ourselves" and we get started.  Wheeeeeeeeee!

Then the second jam.....and one of the skaters on the other team gets injured.  We all stop again.  (Later we learn she fractured her fibula and dislocated her ankle.)  They can't even move her off the track yet, so we kneel at the pivot line (her injury happened at the very end of a jam) and wait.

And wait.

We talk about how if there was a photographer swarming us while we were injured, we'd throw something at him.

We wait some more.

FINALLY things progress.  We knock them down, they knock us down.  We get lead jam.  We score points.  Skating for 20 minutes then having 15 minutes off is really, really, really annoying.  We get sloppy.  I fall. They fall on top of me.  I get sent to the box for low blocking.  Twice.  I get annoyed.   Twice.  I get sent to the box for destroying the pack even though it was a skater from the other team, way in back, who actually did it.  I get really annoyed.  The penalty box guy says I look quite relaxed for someone who's there so often.  (I actually think this is the most I've been in the box in a bout.)

One of our skaters forgets to put her mouthguard in at the start of the jam.  She realizes it mid-jam, tries to put it in and drops it.  She skates out, grabs it, shoves it in.  She doesn't get a penalty.

Another one of our skaters gets her wheel clipped (or something) AND HER SKATE COMES OFF HER FOOT.  She sits down in the middle of the track, puts it on as quickly as she can.

Finally, the dust settles and we are victorious again, 130-67.  Yay us!

The first after party is walking distance from the venue.  This is most awesome.  They have pretty good food.  There is talk of going to their after-after party, an early 80's dance party not too far from the after party, but we all decide that our team would like to party together and not have to worry about designated drivers, so we go back to the hotel and the bar across the parking lot from the hotel.

The best after parties, in my opinion, involve three things:

2. Inexpensive drinks
3. Walking distance to hotel



Sunday, September 25, 2011


and we're still undefeated wahoooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooOOooooOoooOOOooOOOoooOOOoooo

130-67 yeeeeeeeeEEeeeeEEeeEEeeEEEee.

More details later, but here's your teaser trailer summary:

1. The scab on my knee got ripped off AGAIN;
2. Best. Afterparty.  EVAR.

Friday, September 23, 2011

my knee is ow.

So last night was scrimmage. I felt like crap and I don't much like playing against the A team sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we only improve by playing teams that are better than us, but it's still really frickin' annoying sometimes.  So basically I was turning into Sullen Mad Kicktoria, which means I turned into Playing Like Crap Kicktoria, and then my kneepad slid when I fell and I re-opened a scab that was just about healed and I basically said "FUCK IT" and skated off the track DURING THE MIDDLE OF A JAM.  (In my defense, I thought the jam was over, as there were eighteen thousand whistles blowing over penalties and I thought they were end-of-jam whistles.)

So I took a while off skates, got my knee re-band-aided and duct taped, and by the time we reached the half and our team started playing each other (we divide in half), I was better and okay.

At one point last night, Coach Dude was talking to us and said something about how the A team "has years of experience [up] on us", which upset a few of us on the team, myself included.  I started on the league before at least 90% of the A team - they *don't* have years of experience up on me.  Sigh.

Anyway, tomorrow is bout day wahoo and road trip wahoo yay :)

After this Saturday, we don't have a bout until November 19.  I think I might take a few practices off to heal my knee and my left ankle, which has started to bug me.  

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Practice on Monday, one of our jammers leaves the track and is gone for a while.  There are a few other people crowded around her; I go up because I am nosy.

"I think one of my trucks broke," she says as she's taking apart her skate.

"I've got a spare," I say.

"A spare truck?" she asks.

"Yup.  In my skate box there." I point to my typewriter case.

She opens it, and takes out the spare truck I've had in there ever since someone lent it to me to see if that's why my wheels kept falling off all the time. (It wasn't.)  She puts it on her skate and goes merrily on her way.


Monday, September 19, 2011

Oh, I just remembered what I wanted to write about

so as the "Queenie" in "Queenie's Meanies", I go from station to station during Fresh Meat, watching the skaters practice their falls and stops and derby stance and all that.  One of the skaters in charge (who's one of my teammates) told them that you really need to get comfortable on your skates in order to be good at derby.

My first skate.  Seriously.
As I think I've said in previous posts, when I was a little kid, I *lived* for roller skating.  I  begged my mom to get me skates, and until she did, I would stand on the cars from a Playskool McDonald's set and scoot around the basement (making sure not to run into the TRS-80 computer in the corner).

Eventually I got a pair of skates.  They were from a garage sale, white boots with pink pom-poms and metal wheels.   And oh I used them.  And used them and used them.  There was a pole in the basement, by the stairs, and I would spin around and around and around on it.  Eventually my dad would wire speakers in the basement that were attached to the stereo in the living room, and I'd put the "Hooked on Classics" tape on (the stereo had a cool thing where if you hit the REWIND button and the PLAY button simultaneously, the tape would rewind to the beginning and then start) and SKATE MY LITTLE BRAINS OUT.

For an 7-9 year old, I did pretty well.  I could skate backwards, do spins, one foot, all sortsa stuff.  I kept thinking "I WISH ROLLER SKATING WAS IN THE OLYMPICS".  Those metal wheels drove a black groove into the floor.

Then, we moved to a house with a mostly carpeted basement.  I grew up.  The skates didn't fit anymore.

Fastforward twenty-five years, I go out on the rink for my first practice with the league.  It's during Adult Skate night so all we can do is pacelines.  I have a pair of garage sale skates I bought ten, eleven years ago that I don't think I ever used.  I wonder if I'll have any trouble.

I don't.

I am so completely comfortable on my skates; they're extensions of my feet. I may hate them when we have to use them in leg exercises (at which point I can feel EVERY OUNCE of those 3.5 pounds each), but I can trust them; I know they'll be where I need them to be, but if they're not, I know how to get them where I need them to be.

So, I hate to say it, Eight Year Old Me, but I'm glad rollerskating isn't in the Olympics.  Roller derby is SO much better.

Guten tag, and BOUT WEEK WAHOO

So Thursday I wasn't able to go to the monthly league meeting because my dad was going out to dinner with friends, but I Skyped in and was able to listen and participate. 

The main topic of discussion was if every skater on the league should be required to volunteer with the league (which, I guess, makes it no longer "volunteering") in order to be allowed to skate.  Opinions varied wildly amongst the league; I fell solidly on the OMG NO NO NO NO NO, REALLY SERIOUSLY NO THIS WILL MAKE ME VERY UNHAPPY.  As I said during the meeting (the referee who was handling Skype for me read my words), I am *still* burned out on league administration.  I have no problem bringing food to a bout, or helping to set up and take down chairs and clean out locker rooms at the end of the night, or helping out at an event that's beyond the normal practice THANG, but require me to be on a committee and I will whimper. 

(Part of the conversation about this topic lead to the thoughts that individuals who are in charge of committees need to know when to delegate their work to other people.  I mentioned that I'm not good at doing that, and Former Fearless Leader said that the work I had to do was the one aspect of the league that *couldn't* be delegated out.  [Glad someone noticed!])

Anyway, it was determined that the "volunteer" requirement would *not* include being on a committee, but I still voted it down.  The general consensus was that hopefully the conversation would get people who hadn't really helped out before to step up to the plate and we'd revisit the idea in a few months.

So that was Thursday.

Then there was the weekend.  Oh, hi Dutchland/Ditchland/Doucheland!  (I'm just repeating what I've heard from other sources.  They were our mentor league for our WFTDA application and seemed very nice from what I have heard.)  They are going to have to do a *lot* to get back into the good graces of the derby community.  Merv the Perv (the coach who made the decision to forfeit) said (in a post he made to DNN): "I was thinking, what would be best for this team, during this tournament. I did not consider what 'your' feeling would be."

That, I think, is the problem.  Derby's such a fledgling sport right now, on the cusp of acceptance by the mainstream community, every step we (as a whole) take has to be weighed carefully.  Too many bad decisions and the whole thing will fall apart. 

Have I played in bouts where I knew we had no chance in hell of winning? Of course I have!  But I remember those bouts fondly because they were bouts where (a) I jammed for the first time in a bout [and got lead jammer aw yeah!] and (b) I got MVP and had the BEST time at an after party that I've ever had.  And, like lots of people have been saying, you get to learn SO MUCH even when you're being thoroughly trounced. 

So yeah.  They made an unpopular decision and hopefully it will not haunt them too much in the future.

Last night was night #2 of Fresh Meat.  I didn't skate because I'd cracked my head open standing up too quickly into a shelf Sunday afternoon (I'm ok; no stitches but Roy cut my hair really close to the scalp to try and put a band-aid on it, which failed, so now I have a bald spot on my head that I have to wear my hair differently to cover, but ANYWAY) and I didn't want to sweat into it. 

Someone suggested "Queenie's Meanies" as a team name and I was kinda like OMFG YES END OF DISCUSSION I AM PULLING RANK HERE AND THIS IS WHAT WE WILL BE CALLED.  Heh.  So the Meanies are doing awesome.  They rotate through different stations learning different things (falls, stops, stance, etc.) and one of the skaters manning one of the stations came up to me and said "your group is doing the best so far." Yay! 

So this weekend we're going to bout the team we thoroughly trounced back on the 10th.  Methinks their team will have a few different (read: better) players on it this time around.  They are not WFTDA-oriented (though they do play a WFTDA game) and from what I hear we might have 3 twenty minute periods instead of 2 thirty minute halves (something about their venue requiring two halftime breaks, is what I heard - if they do doubleheaders, they play 2 thirties, but our game's a single bout).  That will be weird.  I think I've only played in a 3 twenties bout once , and that was the very first bout I was in almost 3 years ago.  It'll definitely be to their advantage, as (a) they're used to it and (b) it'll help them with their endurance.

Anyway, practice tonight, we'll see how it goes.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

teh recapzar

One of the things that really is an asset to our team, I think, is our endurance.  We chug along in practice past the point where we all wanna (a) die (b) get some water (c) die, but it comes in handy when the other team is gasping and slowing down and we're all YEAH, WE'RE STILL GOING GRAR ARGH!!!!!

This happened on Saturday.

The other team started getting really sloppy towards the end, falling at the slightest wobble (which, in turn, made *us* fall, as we'd trip over them).

So we won, and yay and excitement, but I think we're all kinda getting to the point where these wins aren't as satisfying as they could be.  We learned yesterday that there were only about four true B-level players on the team, and the rest were first-time bouters and Fresh Meat.

I'm getting a little tired of away teams deciding that these games are a training ground for brand new skaters.  I WANT A CHALLENGE.  I want to get as freaked out and ecstatic as I did when we won that bout by the last jam.


Fresh Meat Boot Camp started Sunday, and that was a lot of fun.  I'm captain of a team of twelve skaters (eleven women and one guy), and we go from station to station and they learn how to do stuff.  I have some people in my team who are A-MAY-ZING and some who really need to get more stable pronto.  It's very cool and I really like doing it.  (It was also interesting watching them do, say, twenty minutes of single knee and double knee fall practice, and gasp for a water break.  Reminds me of how far we've come as a league.)

Last night was team practice and we're not resting on our laurels, we're going to an away bout in 2 weeks (against the team we just played, and we KNOW they're going to be putting some of their A-level team players in, which will be the challenge we were looking for, but still). 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

who has two thumbs and hasn't lost a game yet this year? THIS GIRL

227-32 wheeeeeee!

At some point I got a rinkrash spot on my KNEE and it hurts.  Ow.  I also have this bruise on my thigh that is very pretty - it's shades of pink and purple.  (I NEVER used to get bruises, and now I'm getting them all the time.  C'est bizarre.)

Friday, September 9, 2011

I put too much lip gloss on and now my mouth feels all slimy

Scrimmage night.  I was able to go because my father is more available to watch Maverick than originally thought.  (Yay!)

So the skate plate from Tuesday was on my left shin.  Last night I did something to hurt my right shin. MY POOR SHINS.  WAH.

The rink where we practice refinished the floors a week or so ago, so they're nice and sticky.  No sliding here!

At one point during a jam last night I was in danger of losing my balance and falling spectacularly, so I started shrieking to keep my balance.  It worked.

Found out a little bit more about what I'll be doing during the Fresh Meat bootcamp - I'll be captaining a group of new skaters, going with them from station to station and keeping an eye on them, coming up with a team name for them, etc., etc.  I'm very excited for it.  It should be a lot of fun.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

coffee is sooooo wonderful

So at practice on Tuesday I got caught in a pile-up and ended up with an aluminum skate plate to the shin.  OW.  Between that and my ankle (which STILL isn't 100% yet), I am falling to the proverbial pieces. 

Sunday evening starts our fresh meat boot camp.  I've been specifically asked to help out.  Yay! It's nice to be appreciated.  (It also reminds me of something Coach Ref said to me right before the last bout - "Show 'em how a four-year veteran does it" and I was like yeah, that's right, I *am* in my fourth year of playing ARGGGGGGHHHHHHH LET'S KNOCK EVERYONE AROUND!)

So, yeah.  (I say "so" a lot, don't I?)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Didn't have practice on Sunday or yesterday because of Labor Day.  We're having a shortened practice today.  BOUT WEEK WAHOO!

Not much else new, except.....


Sunday, September 4, 2011


I've seen those "family members in stick figure form" stickers on the back of umpteen squillion cars, and snarked at them in my head.

Then I went to the website.


I may really need to get this one.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

la la DE da

Yesterday was an off-skates strategy/workout practice.  We held it at one of the local parks.  The strategy part was kinda fun, as Coach Dude made a track of sorts out of people's shoes and we stood around in packs and talked about what we need to do when the jammers are at different points on the track.

The workout part was not as much fun.  Captainness Flashback had some friend come to our practice, who was kinda like Anton Apolo OhHELLno but with props.  Eventually it got so dark he had to turn his car headlights on and aim them at us.  Nothing like doing pushups into wet grass while eight trillion mosquitoes are going for your ankles!  Whee!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Jeezly crow, Thursday is September

Ok, let's see.  Thursday night was scrimmage, which was scrimmage-tastic.  As usual.

Saturday was the 3rd annual Mad Derby Love party.  It's held at the house of one of my leaguemates - she's got a pool, a trampoline, a fire pit, a HUGE back yard, and everyone brings food and beverages and tents to stay overnight and basically has a crazy awesome time.  This year I learned:

1. Mead is awesome;
2. Apparently you are not supposed to chug absinthe;
3. I went into a fairly lengthy diatribe/rant about the periodic table and my obsession with selenium.*

At one point I also stepped sort of badly and hurt my ankle.  I realized that if I could still feel it in my mead/absinthe/whatever haze, I'd probably screwed it up pretty badly.  Cut to Sunday morning, where my ankle had ballooned and I couldn't really walk on it.


It's doing better today; I can walk on it and it's only a little bit owie.  Fortunately we are not skating tonight (the floor at the rink is getting re-done) and I can fake my way through an off-skates workout.

*Junior year of high school was chemistry.  I basically sat right in front of the periodic table all year and fixated upon selenium for some reason.  It was used in traffic lights at some point.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


September is going to be a busy month, bout-wise.  I'm playing a home game on the 10th and an away game on the 24th.  Both bouts are against the same team; from what I have heard they will be our toughest opponents yet (even tougher than the team we beat in the last jam).  I am nervous.

I finally got our spare bedroom organized so I have a dedicated place to put my sewing machine and my serger (before I'd have to drag them out one at a time in the dining room), so I started working on the green-on-white helmet covers and made another pair of booty shorts.

All I have to do is turn in the elastic and hem them.

In other news, I'm on another "let's lose a lot of weight in a fairly short amount of time" kick.  Here's where I get all braggy and HEY LOOKIT WHAT I'VE MANAGED TO DO YAY ME:

  1. I'm down 16 pounds since the beginning of April;
  2. If I were to start going to Weight Watchers again, I'd be within 3 pounds of my Lifetime Weight and could go to meetings for free again.
  3. The last time I distinctly remember weighing what I do now was October 2004.  
  4. My absolute most favorite dress in the whole wide word, that I haven't worn in, like, years and years and years (even before October 2004) fits.

    Monday, August 22, 2011

    I'm back!

    I wasn't ignoring the blog; my sister's family was in town for the week and I was all caught up in FUN FAMILY ACTIVITIES so that I didn't have time to update.

    They're gone now (boo) so I shall update.

    The bout!  Everyone on the team except me had Derby Skinz, black with bright green trim.  I did not have bright green trim on my (homemade) booty shorts, so I had to borrow some green gaffer's tape from the referees and jerry-rig the trim.  It worked, but I'll have to fix the shorts before the next bout.

    Yeah, I crashed into the suicide seats after a hit.  It was amusing - my thought process went something like this:

    - I'm going to crash into the seats.
    - Hm, I'm going to crash into this group of people.
    - Oh crap, I'm going to crash into the guy with the cane.
    - Well, they're called "suicide seats" for a reason....
    - CRASH

    (it's at the 1:16 mark; Blogger's not letting me put in time codes)

    I got a "blocking out of bounds" penalty for that one, although the referee looked at this clip later and admitted that it was a clean hit.

    As for the bloody nose, some people say that I hit the jammer in the face (resulting in a high block penalty, which I took) and other people say she took someone else's skate wheel to the face.  The full video from the bout isn't out yet, so I'll have to check that out when it's released.

    Then there was this, at the 2:16 mark:

    Oof.   Although admittedly, it didn't hurt. Which, if you think about it, is kinda crazy.  You usually do not fling yourself onto a concrete floor in a belly flop because you think "duh, that would hurt."

    Sunday, August 14, 2011


    longer post later, but to sum up:

    - I crashed into the suicide seats, directly into an older guy with a cane, and also took out a referee while I was at it.

    - I also believe I gave the other team's jammer a nosebleed at one point.

    Friday, August 12, 2011

    how my mind works

    Last night we had our league meeting, as we usually do the Thursday before a bout.  This month one of the topics was the fact that elections for the 2012 Board of Directors are coming up in September and nominations and platforms are due in a few weeks.  Our league president this year is moving back to Texas in a few weeks, so she won't be going for re-election.

    At one point, one of the skaters sitting in front of me turns around, looks at me and says "President?"

    I literally cackled at her.

    Then, on the way home, in my head.....

    KICKTORIA #1: President?  Gah.  NO THANK YOU.

    KICKTORIA #2: It *was* pretty cool that she thought of you for it.

    KICKTORIA #1: True.  But no.

    KICKTORIA #2: Well, no. Not President.  But how about a general board position?  The "WFTDA Liaison" position sounds interesting...


    KICKTORIA #2: Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure?  It probably wouldn't be *too* time consuming...


    KICKTORIA #2: You could find out what's going on with everything before everyone else...


    KICKTORIA #2: You didn't do anything leadership-wise with the league this year....


    KICKTORIA #2: You've got two weeks until platforms are due.  Think about it.


    KICKTORIA #2: I'll be baaaaaaaack.....

    Thursday, August 11, 2011

    oh, yeah

    I used my new Supar Thin Mouthguard on Monday, and it was amazing.  I could breathe!  I could drink water!  I could shriek loudly and clearly!  There's one spot on it that hardened into a weird point, but I'm afraid to try and heat it up again.

    Tuesday, August 9, 2011

    Q: What week is it? A: IT'S BOUT WEEK WAHOO!

    So at about 8:50 last night we were getting ready to do another drill and I asked "do we have time to do this?" and then I was reminded that our Monday practices are 7-10, not 7-9. Whoops!

    Yar, yar, yar.  The callus on my foot was screaming with pain by the end of last night's practice.  At one point we were kind of scrimmaging, and the skater in front of me closest to the inside of the track fell, which caused a chain reaction of sorts where EVERYONE ACROSS THE ENTIRE TRACK FELL.  I went "okay, I need to swerve to the right...okay, I need to swerve more to the right....AND MORE TO THE RIGHT GEEZ LOUISE I HOPE EVERYONE'S OKAY."  I felt like Steven Bradbury. 

    Friday, August 5, 2011

    I could have scrimmaged all night, I could have scrimmaged all night, and still have begged for more

    highlight of the evening: the second half of scrimmage night is Experiment Time.  This is how I ended up jamming.

    I get a good jump off the line and hit the pack first.  One of last year's A team blockers (she got injured in March and is going through her tryouts now) gets in front of me, but I'm patient.  I wait.

    And then I see it - a glorious open path, right on the inside of the track.  NO one, not even my team, is in the way.

    I hustle my butt up there and get called lead jammer. Yay!

     I think I ended up scoring, like, one or two points before I called it off.  Whee!

    Thursday, August 4, 2011

    my headshot for the travel season

    You can't really see it, but the 45 I have on my crown is "That Was Then, This is Now/Theme From the Monkees" from 1987.

    Tuesday, August 2, 2011

    to keep you all updated on the minutae of my life


    I didn't go to practice on Sunday because (a) I spent the day before at my brother-in-law's housewarming party, drinking and trying to smash lawn gnomes with jarts (the gnomes were down in a 30' valley from where we were standing) and (b) I told myself that if I finished the tax returns on Sunday (which I did, WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO) I wouldn't have to go.

    I went to practice last night, but sat out 95% of it because (a) my knee was crazy sore and stiff and (b) I'd had gastro-intestinal distress earlier in the evening and hadn't quite recovered from it.  I'm okay for attendance, though.

    There was a blogged review of our last bout online.  I kinda love it when my name gets mentioned in the "aren't these names cool?" part of stuff like this.  (Did I ever mention how I decided upon my name?  I had all sorts of awesome ideas* that were already in the database. Then I had other ideas which I only kinda liked.**  Then, on one website I frequent, someone was looking for ideas for *her* derby name, and in giving an example about how the names have to be unique, said "You can have 'Victoria Deck'em', but you can't have 'Kicktoria Deck'em'"  and I thought "I like Kicktoria.  Let's expand upon that."***.)

    I finally bit the bullet and ordered a new mouthguard.  I really despise the one I have now, even though my dentist made it for me.  It's big and bulky and occasionally when I get short of breath it keeps popping out.  I went with white because in photos it'll sort of look like normal teeth.

    I also discovered this, which is totally and completely made of awesome, except for the part where someone in Australia swiped a graphic designed by Coach Dude and put it on fabric.  (That particular fabric is not for sale yet, but I'm still annoyed by it.) 

    *I STILL love "Helena Handbasket".
    ** "Nom de Guerre", for example.
    ***During our last bout of last season, where the proceeds went towards breast cancer research and everyone adopted breast-related names, I became "Kicktoria's Secret".

    Friday, July 29, 2011


    ME (to Roy): Check this out. (shows 2" long strip of rink rash on upper arm)
    ROY: Who did that to you?
    ME: The floor.

    I don't know what it is, but lately I have been made of nothing but booty shorts and direction of game play minors.  It's crazy.  I got sent to the box yesterday for 4 minors, and ALL of them were direction of game play.  I just get all THEY ARE GOING SLOW BEHIND ME I MUST GET BACK THERE AND BREAK IT UP and I don't wait long enough to start going forward.   They need to change that rule. 

    I've also had the problem of going to hit the jammer out of bounds and just succeed in knocking them forward.  That's annoying too.

    (On Monday, during practice, a bunch of us were talking about our preferred side to knock jammers out to.  I am almost 100% "knock 'em to the outside", which I should probably work on.)

    So time's running out on my procrastination of preparing the league's tax return for last year - it's due August 15.  My plan is to do it on Sunday.  AND THEN ALL MY RESPONSIBILITIES WILL BE OVER WAHOO.

    Tuesday, July 26, 2011

    this was put up yesterday...

    Your humble narrator and the league trophy

    another week, another week

    So for the third time in about as many days, I've had someone come up to me and tell me how great I look.

    I really have no idea how I look.  I feel like I look the same in all my pictures, no matter whether they're from five years ago or ten minutes ago.  It doesn't help that no two stores size their clothes the same - I can wear a size 8 Old Navy skirt but have to squeeze into a size 12 dress from another place.  It's annoying.  (Then there's the thing where I can wear a size 8 Old Navy skirt but not size 10 Old Navy pants.  ANNOYING.)

    Practice was last night, nice and super sweaty.  By the end, when we were doing 90 second sprints followed by 60 seconds of army crawls, I was going "JUST LEAVE ME, SARGE!  TELL MY MA I TRIED MY BEST!"   Adding to the fun was the fact that I didn't bring my water bottle and had to attack the drinking fountain every thirty seconds.

    I'm contemplating getting new plates.  I'm still using the nylon ones that came with my skates.  I know next to nothing about them, though, so I sent an e-mail to the guy who helps out our league with stuff like this saying "you know me, you know how I skate, you know what I can and can't do, what sort of plates should I get?" We'll see what he says.

    Monday, July 25, 2011

    bout recap

    I always go into bouts figuring we will lose.  I think it's so I'm not horrifically disappointed if it happens.  (That probably explains why I am so negative in general - if you always expect the worst to happen, you can never be disappointed.  Well, you *can*, but it's a different kind of disappointment.  ANYWAY...)

    Our team got together the night before for food, bout-watching (we had the last game on DVD) and merch making (pins for our team).  Bout night will be a doubleheader; our team first, and then the A team playing.  One of the members of the team playing against our A team has an airborne peanut allergy; we contemplate eating lots of peanut butter before hand, to help the league, but do not.

    BOUT DAY!  I still had some Sharpie markings on my jersey from the last bout, so I got some Shout Spray Stick, applied it and sent it through the wash.  Cut to twenty minutes later, when there are these BIZARRE BIG BROWN STAINS ON THE FRONT OF MY JERSEY. ("ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap...")   Fortunately some Dr. Bronner's soap took them out and I am okay.

    So we all show up in the 96 degree weather with like 86 degree dew point and crappy air conditioning.  WHEE!  Our captain (whom I shall call Captain Flashback, as she is a phys ed instructor* and I get flashbacks to junior high gym class during practices) planned for us to do an off-skates warmup a few hours beforehand.  I tried to weasel my way out of it ("I....I promised to help do set-up for the bout!") but eventually I acquiesced and did it.

    So the other team shows up.  There's one skater who is, like, just a big pile of muscles in pink Spandex and roller skates.  Whee!

    So it gets warmer, our bench chick rolls frozen water bottles on our necks and backs (which helped SO much).  One of my leaguemates on the A team gets proposed to by her boyfriend, in the middle of the track.  She says yes, everyone gets crazy happy.

    Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.................off we go!

    We're crazy and scattershot at first.  They take a quick lead.  We catch up.  They catch up.  We bust up walls.  They squeak past us.  They put up walls.  We squeak past them.  I get a Direction of Game Play minor.**  We have new guy in the league blowing the start of jam whistle; I tell him at one point he should probably put the whistle in his mouth between his "five seconds!" call out and the start of the jam.  The head ref mouths "thank you" to me.  We catch up.  Pile of Muscles in Spandex does not react to positional blocking well - it frustrates her. 

    At the half, we're up by about twenty points.

    We go out in front, to the (air conditioned bliss) box office.  It's not over yet; not by a long shot. I take my contact lens out and promptly lose it.  One of my teammates finds it; another teammate lends me contact lens solution.

    Second half!  They catch up.  They lead.  We catch up.  They tie.  I bridge other players.  I knock other players out.  We yell at crappy calls made by the refs.  I apparently hold a jammer back, by myself, for about 3/4 of the track.***

    60-60.  We get four points, 64-60.  They get four points.  64-64.

    Back and forth, crazy craziness.  We put in a power lineup; our jammer and one blocker get sent to the box.  The jammer call was complete bullshit; we scream at the refs.  Their jammer cuts in front of multiple players, no one says boo, they rack up more points.

    Everyone is going batshit insane.  We claw our way back.

    LAST JAM.  WE ARE DOWN BY TWO POINTS.  It all comes down to this.  Everyone is freaking the fuck out.  Whistle blows, and we're off!  Fight fight fight jostle jostle jostle OUR JAMMER GETS LEAD JAM!  Jostle jostle jostle keep the other jammer back WHAT?!?!?!?!? THE OTHER JAMMER GOT A PENALTY?!?!?!?!??! SHE HAS TO GO TO THE BOX!?!?!?!?!?!?!? OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG OUR JAMMER SKATES AND SKATES AND GETS MORE POINTS AND AS SOON AS THE PERIOD CLOCK RUNS OUT WE SCREAM AT HER TO CALL IT OFF, AND SHE DOES, AND....

    I refuse to start cheering until the referees confer and tally points.

    Head ref swings his arm around in a big circle.

    89-85.  We win.

    It's at this point I start crying.

    *She was chosen as, like, Middle School Phys Ed Teacher of the Year for the state.  (If she teaches for two more years, she'll also be Maverick's PE teacher.)

    **This has been happening to me a lot lately.  What happens is, the skaters behind me will be going really slow, and I skate backwards to break them up, but I end up still skating backwards when I run into them.  It's just a matter of not being patient enough for them to run into me.

    ***I was told this, afterwards.  I don't remember doing it.

    Thursday, July 21, 2011

    the helmet covers are done!

    hooray hoorah!

    It's supposed to be 98 degrees at 5pm.  I AM VERY GLAD WE ARE NOT SCRIMMAGING TONIGHT.  Our practice space is miserable enough when it's in the mid 70's.  (Bout night is also going to be horrible.  I've been directed to a pattern for a neck cooler thingy; I'd like to make a bunch before then but I don't know if I'll have time.)

    Tuesday, July 19, 2011


    made it through practice in one piece, though my foot started hurting in a place it's never hurt before, YAY

    I have one more pivot helmet cover to make and then I am done with them (at least the white on green.  I may make green on white to replace the old ones we have).

    It's supposed to be 101 on Thursday but THANK GOD we do not have skating practice that night (we're having a league meeting).

    Monday, July 18, 2011

    I am tired, I am weary, I could sleep for a thousand years

    Friday night I helped out at the County Fair for three hours, taking money from people in cars and buying their admission for them.

    Saturday I spent nine frickin' hours at the local amusement park with the kid.

    Sunday morning was league practice.  And jogging.  I fucking hate jogging.  I spent the entire time waaaaay behind everyone else, swearing until I eventually said "screw this" and I walked. 

    Sunday afternoon was the home season picnic, which was fun.

    Sunday evening I had to help out at the County Fair again.

    I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired still.  And I have to go to practice tonight or I won't make attendance for Saturday's bout (oh, yeah, bout week wahoo).


    Friday, July 15, 2011

    yesterday was Thursday

    so I was in a craptastic mood last night at scrimmage.  I tried to turn that in to pure, unbridled rage against the other team.  I think it actually just turned me into Bitter Sullen Kicktoria, which is less than useless.  I need to work on that.

    (There was one jam, however, where our jammer needed to get through and I just turned into ARGH I AM GOING TO FUCK WITH YOU, BLOCKER ON THE OTHER TEAM!  AND NOW I AM GOING TO FUCK WITH YOU, OTHER BLOCKER ON THE OTHER TEAM!  GARRRRRRRRARRRRRRR!  I don't know if it helped her or not, but I felt better afterwards.)

    Everyone loved the jammer covers.  I screwed up my serger Wednesday night - I totally fucked up rethreading it, which resulted in a broken needle AND deep gouges in BOTH knives, so I have to hope Roy can resharpen the knives otherwise I have to spend, like, $50 to get new ones.

    Thursday, July 14, 2011

    so I didn't say anything about it on the date

    (because I was busy traveling to Cananananananada, but....)

    July 9, 2011 marked the three-year anniversary of my first roller derby practice.

    If, at the start of July 2008, you told me "three years from now you will be in the best shape of your adult life.  You will have a social life.  You will have friends.  You will have support.  And how will you get it? BY STRAPPING ON A PAIR OF ROLLER SKATES AND TRYING TO KNOCK OTHER PEOPLE DOWN", I never would have believed you in a million years.

    Yet it's true. 

    also -

    Using conductive thread to make light-up clothing?


    scrimmagey scrimmageness

    that's tonight.  I like scrimmage night.  I just like playing roller derby.

    I'm almost done with both white-on-green jammer helmet covers - I just need to sew the second star on the second cover.  I was going to start the pivot ones last night but I broke one of the needles on my serger while threading it, so I have to go buy more this afternoon.

    Tomorrow night I'm helping out at the County Fair (league members are collecting tickets and representin').  Saturday I'm taking Maverick to the amusement park (we have season tickets and I've promised him we'd go as often as we could), Sunday we've got practice, then an end-of-home-season picnic, then I'm helping at the Fair again.  THIS SUMMER IS JUST JAM-PACKED WITH STUFF GOING ON OMFG.

    (in which I do my best Ally Sheedy impression)

    Tuesday, July 12, 2011


    I did not go to practice last night.  I was too tired and it was really hot and I did not want to leave the air conditioning and I wasn't really feeling that well.

    Monday, July 11, 2011

    so, Canada!

    So we won, 200-something to 54, I think.  They let me jam.  What were they thinking?

    I went to the box twice, both for four minors.  I got a *lot* of direction of game play minors, mostly because I would skate backwards to try and hit someone (they'd have a wall behind me that I needed to break up).

    I had a few nice strong hits.  It's funny - we spend lots of time in practice working on hitting.  Hit with your hip, not your shoulder; crouch down low then pop up and back; etc., etc.  During a bout, my hitting style really is just I AM GOING TO SKATE RIGHT INTO YOU AT FULL SPEED. 

    (I LOVE our new uniform shirts.  It's so nice not to have to scrub Sharpie off my arms in the shower.)

    I also lost ANOTHER wheel.  And I'd made sure that the (brand new installed) nuts were tight before I went on. There are two possibilities that make sense, from the opinions I've gotten:

    1. My axles are stripped and I need new trucks;
    2. The wheels have a wider space between the bearings, so the nylon part of the lock nut doesn't connect so it doesn't stay stuck, and I should reverse the orientation of the nuts.  (This one would make sense because the trouble started happening when I got the new wheels, but when I put the nuts on it looked like they went on fully.)

    I'll mess around with it at practice tonight and see how it goes.

    Thursday, July 7, 2011

    tiny moments of joy

    at scrimmage night tonight.

    1. We were playing A team against B team, and kinda going loosey-goosey with positions, which is how I ended up jamming.  Whistles blow, I'm off, I manage to get almost all the way through without falling or getting knocked way out of the way.  I wait, and wait, with two A team blockers in front of me, and then I see it - the blocker on the inside line is starting to wander away - and she's not looking my way!  Neither is the other blocker with her!  I quick jump through the hole and get called lead jammer.

    Of course, the other jammer got through not too much later, and passed me, but I called it off and she didn't get any points.  Yay me!

    2.  The second part of the practice, we did two A team lineups against each other, then two B team lineups against each other.  Captainness Awesome came to join us because we didn't have a full roster.  She came up to me and said "Captain?" and I had to say that no, I wasn't captain.  She smiled and said "I guess I just assumed you'd be it."  Which made me feel good.

    Anyway, Saturday is Canada.  Whee!

    adventures in serging!

    so my order from Spandex World arrived yesterday (a day early, whee!) so I started making the official B team helmet covers (green covers with white stars and stripes). 

    The pattern is very basic - two curved sides and then a panel in the middle.  (This is for the jammer cover.  The panel in the middle is too wide to be a pivot cover.)    The hardest part is pinning them together - a straight line pinned to a curve takes approximately eleventy billion pins.

    Anyway, I got the first seam done, and it looked beautiful.  I go to do the second seam, stop paying attention for a second, and the fabric gets all bunched up under the needles.  On a serger, which also cuts the excess fabric as you go, that's fatal.

    So, I had to start from scratch.  Phooey.

    But I finished one helmet cover (except for the stars) and it looks awesome, if I do say so myself.  The seams are nice and flat, it covers the helmet well.  I will probably do the "stars on both sides of the cover so if it gets turned inside out you won't get penalized" thing.

    Wednesday, July 6, 2011

    so, updatingness

    Our Sunday practices, which once were 10-12:30, are now 9-11.  This sucks, even beyond the obvious that I now have to get up even earlier - the place we practice is now a good 20-25 minutes away (as opposed to the 10 minutes to where we normally practice) so I get all annoyed and QUEEN SMASH and all that.

    Anyway.  It's BOUT WEEK WAHOO!  We're traveling to Canada, which will be hella mega fun.  I know exactly where my passport is so I won't be scrambling around at the last minute trying to find it. 

    We didn't have practice on Monday ('cause we were busy what with the fireworks and the partying and the firebreathing) so the A team let us practice with them last night.  It was good; my wheels are absolutely FABOO on the wood floor.  Love, love, love.

    One of my home teammates lent me her 187 kneepads, since I am in the market for new ones.  I tried them on at ECE but didn't like them; I thought they stuck out too much and would get in my way when I did crossovers.  Well, I was wrong, they'll be great.

    Tuesday, July 5, 2011

    sometimes I wonder...

    as people know who read this, I have a 10 year old son, Maverick (that's his derby name).  Sometimes I wonder what it's like for him, having a mother who plays roller derby, and how his life has been made different because of it.

    When I was his age, and I'd go to parties held by friends of my mom's, they'd be pool parties, low-key get togethers.  One time we got invited to go on the lake on the boat of one of her friends; that was very cool and a high point happy memory in my childhood.

    Last night, we went to a 4th of July party held by one of my leaguemates.  At one point I had to tell him that he could NOT try firebreathing like everyone else.

    (and, for what it's worth, if he hadn't been around, I probably would've tried it.)

    Friday, July 1, 2011


    So about two weeks ago Coach Awesome gave us a homework assignment - to write about the first twenty seconds of a jam.  " How to line up. How to handle opponent's strategy. Our strategy. where to look etc."

    I wrote a thousand-word essay with ten footnotes.

    I'll have to post it when I get the chance.

    oh dear, what have I signed myself up for?

    in a fit of I-don't-know-what last night, I agreed to try and make helmet covers for our team.  We need them for our July 9 bout.  I placed an order with Spandex World for 3 day delivery, we'll see what happens.  Worst case scenario, we have green on white practice covers that we can use.

    So scrimmage yesterday.  I put my new wheels on, making sure to tighten each bolt securely.  (Foreshadowing: A valid literary technique.)  The red Diamonds are OMFG WONDERFUL.  I did not skid, I did not slide.  YAY RED RADAR DIAMONDS!

    So we scrimmaged.  Very first time in the lineup I get a major because I've forgotten to put my mouthguard in (WTF?).  So we go along, awesome walls, keeping the jammer back.  (We were playing against the A team, and in one jam we did not let their jammer get through an initial pass.  We were all FUCK YEAH after that.)

    and suddenly I get a familiar lopsided feeling in my skate - I've lost a wheel.*

    Everything stops, I get my wheel, bearing and nut, and put them all back on.

    Two jams later, it happens AGAIN.  With a different wheel.

    Methinks I need to change my nuts.  Fortunately I have a stockpile.

    *I've lost wheels twice before - once during a practice, and once during a private attendance bout.  (That time it was a bit amusing, as it happened at a strategic point that definitely was to our advantage, so I contemplated getting "quick-release wheels" that could be deployed in situations like that.)

    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    in other, semi-tangentially related, news

    I bought a serger that arrived on Tuesday and I have been playing with it.  (A serger, for those of you scoring at home, is a kind of sewing machine.  If you take a look at a seam in an item of clothing, and the thread goes right to the edge of the fabric and it's all loopy and stuff, that was serged.  A regular sewing machine would just produce a single line of thread.)    They're very good for sewing stretchy fabric, and since I am on a LET'S MAKE BOOTY SHORTS kick, I figured it would be useful.

    So I made another pair, this time with a blue sparkly fabric, but since I've been using white thread in the serger to see how it looks, there's all these white lines that show when the fabric stretches.  So those are a no-go.  Oh well.

    I also hope to try to make some helmet covers.  I found a pattern online but when I got it printed out at Staples (it needed to be on 11 x 17 paper), it wasn't quite to scale (the 4" test square was only 3 3/4" square) and I didn't have the math skills right then to figure out how much more to blow it up.  One of the other women on the league who's made covers before is going to send me the pattern she used.

    There is a dearth of fabric stores in the area, unfortunately.  We have a few Jo-Anns and one or two independent stores, but nothing fantastic.  I found myself drooling over spandexworld.com yesterday.

    Tuesday, June 28, 2011


    So did I get a set of Radar Diamond wheels? Yes, but NONE of the vendors had the ones I really wanted, white (94a) ones (they were on backorder), so I got red (92a) ones. 

    Did I get to Sonic at least once? I went twice - once on the way down and once on the way back.  There was one about three miles from our hotel but I didn't go to that one.

    Did I watch so much derby my brain exploded?  Almost.  There was so much amazing derby to watch.  Gotham? Holy fuck.  Bonnie Thunders and Suzy Hotrod are, like, my new role models.  They could sprint up to the pack and STOP ON A FUCKING DIME.  It was amazing.  There was men's derby with cute boys, and the no minors games were very interesting.

    Did I spend a lot of time at the pool?  Yup.  Our league is okay at synchronized swimming but we RULE at beach ball volleyball.

    Did I lose my engagement ring at the pool and have it found by a chick from the league we're playing on July 9?  Um...yes.

    Did I have a great time? OMGWTF yes.

    Thursday, June 23, 2011


    tonight was our first scrimmage as a new team. We were skating against the A team and we did pretty goddamn fucking well, if I do say so myself. 

    so in eleven hours (hopefully less) I will be on my way to ECDX YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

    Tuesday, June 21, 2011

    travel team practice

    so the first practice of our new team was last night.  It's going to take some time to get used to new teammates who didn't employ the same strategies our home team did.  Our home team was very LIVE AND DIE BY THE PARTNERSHIP THE PARTNERSHIP IS PARAMOUNT KNOW WHERE YOUR PARTNER IS AT ALL TIMES AND GET WITH HER NOW.  I tried doing that last night and was like "HEY!  PARTNER!  I'M OVER HERE!"

    I also need to remember that there were two other teams, and their viewpoints are just as valid as ours.  My fellow home team members and I would listen to suggestions on why things would happen, what to do when other things happen, and we'd be like "Yeah, but this is how WE did it...."  I need to rein back on that a little.  And by a little, I probably mean a lot.

    (But we were 5-0 for the season....)

    I also had to clean my wheels halfway during practice because they got so much crap on them I was bump-bump-bumping again.  Grrr...

    Discovered last night that the route I'm going to be taking to ECDX (I'm driving one of the car pools) will take us right past a Sonic right around lunchtime.  WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN

    Friday, June 17, 2011


    so a week from today, a bunch of us are going to the East Coast Derby Extravaganza

    My mission for that weekend is three-fold:

    1. To get a set of Radar Diamond wheels;
    2. To get to Sonic at least once;
    3. To watch so much derby my brain explodes.

    The bouts I'm most interested in seeing are our travel team's bout (Sunday at, like, 5pm or something) and the "no minor penalty" test bouts.

    Thursday, June 16, 2011

    dirty dirty girls love Benedict Cumberbatch

    (today's title comes from this, which I just discovered last night and it's been going through my head non-stop since then*)

    Monday was our final team practice; we met at a bar and did the official Lacing of the Trophy (our trophy involves a pair of roller skates; the winning team will lace them with laces in their team color) and individual pictures.  We'll each get the trophy for two weeks; mine isn't until the end of November, oh well.

    We decided we're going to get "LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2011" printed on the sleeve of our jackets, so I had to collect them all again and take them to the printer.

    I'm going to miss playing with my team very much.  We really gelled into a force to be reckoned with.  Captainness Awesome was the best captain you could ever hope for - she was supportive, she encouraged us to work harder, she kept a smile on our faces.  I'll miss having her on my team.

    But, onward and upward to bigger and better things!


    We've set up a database to nominate captains for the B travel team.  Next to each person's name, they accept or decline the invite.

    I looked yesterday and I'd been nominated.

    I had to delete the text of my initial declination, which was "OMFG SWEET ZOMBIE JEEBUS IN HEAVEN NO".  (I eventually put "I'm honored, but I must decline.")

    Seriously, this year has been a bazillion trillion quadrillion pentillion (?) sextillion (??) septillion (now I'm just guessing) fuckload (that's better) better/easier/more fun for me than last year (and not just because I haven't had any family members die**).  I could concentrate on playing, and the game, and having fun, rather than "okay, what disaster is going to happen now/what do I need to keep an eye on now/who's going to come up to me and request-a-check-hand-me-a-stack-of-cash-for-ticket-sales-and-not-label-it-or-maybe-it's-dues-money-I'm-not-sure.  I've had people come up to me and say "you seem MUCH more relaxed this season."  Gee, I wonder why?

    All I have to do is file the league's 2010 tax return, and I have until August 15 to do that.  It's just a matter of dropping numbers into a form and printing it, but as I am a procrastinator by nature, I will wait a while to do it.


    So when we all met on Monday, some of the A team skaters were talking with the coach about exercise log sheets.  I happened to steal a glance at a prototype; it had things like "caloric intake" and how many exercises you did with various parts of your body.

    I distinctly remember thinking "thank GOD we don't have to do that."

    (You know what's going to happen, right?)

    There's talk on our B team message board about doing the same thing.

    Here's what mine would look like:

    WHAT I ATE: Coffee, half a loaf of bread, some water, half a box of Annie's Organic Cheesy Bunny Cracker Things***, whatever Roy made for dinner, the other half box of Annie's Organic Cheesy Bunny Cracker Things.

    WHAT I DID FOR EXERCISE: Thought about doing some situps.

    **knock on wood

    ***not its real name

    Wednesday, June 15, 2011

    the final score...

    ....was 96 to 73.  Yay us!

    Monday, June 13, 2011

    the lowdown

    We knew going into the last bout we would be skating short.  Our best blocker, our brick-wall blocker, Former Fearless Leader and our phenomenon jammer (it's her first season and she made the A team) were all going to be either out of town, at weddings, or wouldn't make attendance.

    Normally, you have fourteen players on a roster.

    We would have eleven.

    I didn't know what would happen, at that bout.  I didn't like thinking about it.  How could we go through the whole season, undefeated, and lose the championship?  We could say "our season overall was better", but who pays attention to that?  It's the team whose name is engraved upon that sweet, sweet trophy.

    And skating short, without our best players, the fact that I am a pessimist by nature...

    Normally the way our lineups ran with a full roster, we'd do five lineups, everyone in two, with a three or four jammer rotation.

    This time, we had a three jammer rotation with two lineups, everyone in one.

    In lineup #1, the pivot, the leader, the one who's responsible for knowing what's going on and communicating to her packmates, is Coach Superstar - who's been playing derby since 2004, who founded a WFTDA league and was an original member of another WFTDA league, who three years ago was considered "one of the most experienced players" in that second WFTDA league.

    In lineup #2, I'm the pivot.

    Yeah, no pressure there.

    The other members of my lineup and I decide we will call ourselves the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  I'm Conquest and/or Pestilence.

    Our team jackets finally get done Friday evening.  I pass them out at our team bonding session and they are awesome.  We eat, we talk about organ donation and brain donation, we strategerize. 

    So Saturday arrives.  Maverick does pretty well at his baseball game, getting a hit, an RBI and making a few sweet plays at second base.  I have Chipotle for lunch.

    It is eleventy billion trillion degrees in the venue, even before we skate.  Fortunately I brought the league spray bottles that have been sitting in my garage for the last ten months.

    The first bout is our home team that's not in the championship bout playing a compilation away team.  They win, by one point.  It is an awesome bout and we are screamingly happy for them.  But now, it's our turn.

    One of our skaters who was questionable will be able to skate in a sub position, if one of us needs a break. But still.

    I look at the row of fourteen chairs. At most, we will only need six.

    I take the pivot helmet cover and put it on.  It won't be leaving my head all night.

    I still have no idea how we're going to do.

    And.....we're off!

    Strategy, strategy, strategy!  Partnership, partnership, partnership!   One of their jammers gets a major, she's in the box, slow down!  She comes back in, but does it in front of the pack, back into the penalty box she goes!  Holy crap, they're ahead now!  Gaaaaah!  I am not tired at all, though.  Dance on the line, say hey to the chick from the other team who always seems to be out there with me.  Is it halftime? It's halftime.  We're leading, but not by much.

    Shortened half-time because it's a doubleheader.  Smile, smile, smile.  It's still anyone's game.  Don't get panicked, play it cool, play it fun.  And we're back out there!

    We're winning. We're winning!  I get a few good hits on the various jammers.  I go to hit one, but my timing is a little off and I bobble her but don't knock her down.  When I get back to the bench, our bench manager (Anton Apolo OhHELLno) asks if my leg is okay, because it looked like she skated over it.  I have no idea that that happened.

    Five minutes or so left, we decide to run the clock down a little.   One of the players on the other team notices, says, "Oh, so THAT'S how you want to win?" and hits me as hard as she can. (While I'd like to say that I didn't budge, I went sprawling.)

    Last jam.  We're leading by, like, eighteen points.  Easily obtained by a killer jam.  Captainness Awesome is our jammer.  She gets through but is not lead.  Our pack holds, and holds, and holds the other jammer.  The period clock runs out.  I start to think "Holy shit, we're actually going to WIN THIS GAME!" They hold, and hold.  With about thirty seconds left on the jam clock, she gets through and is called lead jammer.  She looks at the scoreboard and wearily calls off the jam.

    we are a happy crew

    So then, after the bout, I realize three things:

    1. I did not get any penalties at all (a first);
    2. That kneepad that has been giving me nothing but trouble? (I also neglected to mention that when the guy repaired them, he had to cut a slit in the back of the kneepad, which unraveled and the padding in the top started to come out):

    methinks I won't be wearing this ever again
    3. My shin is starting to hurt from where someone may or may not have skated over it. (Eventually I would end up with a bruise about the size of my pinky.)

    At the afterparty, we were all talking, and Captainness Awesome and Coach Superstar mentioned that after practice on Monday, they were riding home coming to terms with the fact that we would probably not win.  But then they were like "Well, Queenie thinks we can win (because I was saying things like "not 'if' we win, but 'WHEN' we win!"), so maybe we have a chance!"

    "I was bluffing!" I said.

    'Twas amusing.

    So yeah, sweet, delicious victory-flavored victory.  Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

    Thursday, June 9, 2011

    in other news....

    Happy birthday to my son, Maverick, the inspiration behind my number!

    (06/09/01 = 691, for those of you scoring at home)

    So I made a second pair of booty shorts, but they were light iridescent rainbow silver sparkly.  I realized too late that I do not necessarily want to draw THAT much attention to the area between my waist and my thighs.  So I will see if someone else on the league wants 'em.  I'm working on a black shiny-ish-matte-ish pair now.

    Wednesday, June 8, 2011


    So the place I ordered my skate wheels from neglected to tell me they are on BACK ORDER until next week.

    I ended up just canceling the order; I'll get them when I go to ECE. (YAY!)

    Besides watching our A team compete in the challenge bout there, I'm most looking forward to seeing the "no minor penalty" scrimmages.

    Tuesday, June 7, 2011


    I don't want to go much into strategery because I don't know if anyone on the other team reads this blog (probably not, but better safe than sorry).  So I tread carefully.

    In happy news, I broke through my complete inability to communicate on the track last night.  I was a fountain of chatter and updating.

    So I cleaned my wheels last night, before practice.  Ended up using two baby wipes PER WHEEL. It was a mess.  And THEN, after less than an hour of practice, they were completely gunked up again.  It was ridiculous.  We need to get our own practice space.

    Monday, June 6, 2011

    and once again, it's BOUT WEEK WAHOO

    more death paces yesterday.  Whee?  By the time we were done with our off-skates conditioning, we had like 45 minutes left of practice time and we were all kinda like "do we *hafta* skate?" But we did.  Nothing too heavy, though.

    My wheels are so covered with gunk and crap it's awful.  I was going BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP the entire time.  It reminds me of one of our early, early practice spaces, where there were rats skulking around and you would pry quarter-inch thick chunks of stuff off your wheels after practice. I want my Diamonds now!  I'm a little worried, though, as I placed the order back on the 29th and haven't heard any sort of update.  I sent an e-mail on Friday but haven't heard back.  WHERE'S MY NEW SKATE WHEELS?  WHERE'S MY NEW SKATE WHEELS?

    Captainness Awesome posted a message in anticipation of Saturday's bout, on things we need to work on.  For me, it was "Staying in bounds, not getting hit inside, dominating pack through commands", all of which are very true (I was getting hit to the inside like crazy on Thursday.  Probably because that's where I tend to stick.)  As for dominating the pack through commands, yeah.  I need to communicate more.  If Imma gonna be pivot, I gotta tell people what to do.  I *know* what to do (which is why I think they've been grooming me for pivot), I just need to open my mouth and SAY IT.